How far will I go?

I think about this phrase all the time, and the meaning always changes. How far will I go in my dancing? In my stage work? How far will I go pushing my limits? Pursuing this evil?

Pursuing THAT evil?

The phrase can be used for anything I can think about that has happened so far in my life. Bad or good, I wonder how far I'll keep going down any path I take.

In theory I would go to the end.

I pride myself on staying neutral, going with the flow. To have no desires or wants, that's when you can best see the message of where you are supposed to be. For me, where ever I'm taken when I don't struggle, that's where I feel I was meant to end up. You can call this fate.. God.. whatever you do call it... by not resisting the events around you, I feel you will always be in the place you are supposed to be.

That's how I ended up here, in this tiny apartment, after quitting a tech job I felt I was wasting my youth at to obtain nothing but worthless cash - leaving to do nothing but dance.

This was after I quit another tech job I was using to pay the bills to again... do nothing but dance.

Six years after my first 'quit to do nothing but dance' I'm back in a 9-5 job, and living in the place I thought I would be at as I did nothing but dance.

Am I not sacrificing enough? Why do I need a job anyway?

I severed everything I could, made myself eat nothing but cheap pasta, gatorade, and protein powder. Still the curse of the dancer hit me after every thrust into the art - being poor. THAT is the curse of the dancer.

Those that believe in any 'God' should think more about that. The message of what you are intended to do is somewhere inside you, and if you're fighting to get a degree in some college, fighting to work a job to buy anything or pay bills, fighting to even eat or survive.. you may miss it. When you let go, and let yourself go without any other goals in mind... that's how I found my fate.

After finding that fate, fully devoting yourself to it is another story.

I went with things in life, and at a point in high school that I had become neutral and opened my mind to just about anything, I ended up doing ballet. I really wasn't the 'type' at that point in my life to do that sort of thing either, but it just happened to be.

I just let go and flowed with that (dancing in tights) ending up doing shows I never auditioned for, but was asked to do. Ballet shows. Why turn anything down? Something so outrageous had to be fate. From then on, if it was offered to me, I thought there had to be a reason. A reason for everything.. every person I met, every event that happened. I learned to look beyond the normal and find some meaning. Offer after offer in my life, I went for it. No questions asked. Whenever another offer appeared, I didn't step over it, but instead accepted it fully as if it was meant to be.

Because of this attitude, I've done a lot of things in my life (most of it no one will ever know about) but each event has done it's job in shaping who I am today. When I sit back and don't fight to live, eat, work, the main theme I see brought before me is always 'dance' and due to that, I've continued down that path whenever a new opportunity asks service of me.

This attitude does make me easy to convince, which is one reason I love to argue about just about everything. I'm always searching for someone to challenge my mind, provide some facts and change my viewpoint. Being easy to convince I did become Mormon somewhere along the way.. today I entered a Mormon temple for the first time, and due to skipping church some Elders have been trying to organize a sort of 'intervention' into my imperfect life. However that's all a big story for another day...

So a girl brought me into ballet. From that school I was introduced to 'partnering' and dancing, and after performing on stage I was then seen and invited to other schools. Soon I was invited to teach at a few schools. Then I was invited to choreograph at one.

Then something interesting happened. I was introduced to Placer Theatre Ballet, and from there a dancer asked me to dance with even another company, this time one that wasn't ballet. Suddenly I was being dragged into a strange world of 'musicals' where everyone is nice to your face, no one gives a straight answer, and obscurity is the only way you can survive.

Another girl I took into the work of Ballroom dance, we got to competition level and she left me for some dude. With all that work lost, I partnered up with a Pro and competed in Pro-Am competitions, won some awards, and then at a college level entered and took some more awards... yet another big story for another day...

Going for the musical I was brought in for, I did what I thought I was there for - dance. The rest I ignored trying to stay true to what was asked of me. However I was then asked to sing... interesting having never sang a single song in my life, never singing along to any song even when I was alone, haven never taken a vocal lesson... but it was asked of me so I went for it.

After that was over I got pulled into yet another musical. This time more singing, and I felt that this was as far as I would go - chorus. Then I changed something... I messed with fate and auditioned for the first time in my life after doing over a dozen shows before that I was in only in by chance. Perhaps this was a mistake, but some think I've done good, which is interesting because I sing a line or two by myself implying I 'can' sing.

But where is dance?

The 'dance' in these musicals so far is nothing more then movement to me. Girls seem to have dance and males are assumed to not be skilled in the art and given simple partnering or what I would call nothing more then stage movement or cardio at best.

How far will I go?

I have shaved my body in team swimming because I went with things. I've danced in tights on stage because it was a required costume, and over time the two have led me to love both. I've been in nothing but 'underwear' on stage because it was required costume for where I was, and still I wonder how far I will go... is there more?

My latest role is that of 'Keno' in 'The Full Monte' yet another musical I fell into by chance, by fate, by going with the flow.

In this, I will walk on stage at the beginning of the show (which is a strip club) in a business suit. I will strip to a G string and oil, and that will be that.

Amateur strip shows, gogo dancing, my past seems to be serving a strange purpose here, but will I go farther?

Seems another show is called 'Naked Boys Singing' or something to that effect. Basically I would walk onto a stage, strip, and sing in the nude. The offer is there, fate seems to tempt me, this is the only time I pause to think.

However Monte may fall though, so I asked a friend 'Angel' to prepare to take over for me. Seems he's gogo dancing at Faces, and they want more men. Another offer, another pause.

This is unlike me, why pause? If going with the flow and doing whatever is offered is really fate, I should do 'Naked Boys Singing' and start gogo dancing. If I turn down these offers then I will begin to question why I have gone this far. Why I've done everything offered to me before. There should be no question at all, or else I should question all I have done.

I wonder if someone else has thoughts to lend me... if this has all been read, I'm sure there is a thought or two that could help.