On Intimacy: The last words of a man in his 20's

I had been wanting to write something every day for 30 days leading up to my birthday, but I found the writer in me couldn't help but to edit and revise and not free flow and just spill what's on my mind.. thus.. I think I published only.. twice..

However what's on my mind recently has been intimacy, and today I saw my friend Mihai post something from Osho in Intimacy and felt I needed to write out in a free flow process without editing my final thoughts of this decade on just this topic: Intimacy.

  If trust is asked, you are being enslaved. But if a trust arises in you, something superhuman is growing within your heart. The difference is very small but one of tremendous importance: asked or ordered, love and trust both become false. When they arise on their own, they have immense intrinsic value. They do not make you a slave, they make you a master of yourself because it is your love, it is your trust. You are following your own heart.

I think about these things all the time.. and I don't think I'm alone when I desire trust or love so much that I make the mistake of asking for it at times.

"Trust me."

"Do you love me?"

It's so hard desiring such a trait in those you keep close, but knowing you'll never be able to know what they're actually feeling towards you.

Trust and love are almost interchangeable. How can you have love without trust? How could you have trust without love? You can love another as a friend, but I'd warn against saying 'love' to the opposite sex, as trouble can arise.. it's better to keep your friends just your friends, and to also not water down the word nor give a false hope to those that may feel 'love' as lust towards you. Love and trust, as one and the same, I'm saying is the love of a friend.

That said, love and trust is something that grows over time. You can trust someone to know your phone number, even someone you just met.. later you may trust them enough to be alone with them in public places or perhaps pick you up from the airport.. later you may trust them to be alone with you in private places such as your house or theirs.. then you start telling them your secrets.. secrets about yourself or perhaps even others.

Ah.. and that is where you start to get in trouble.. trust.. love.. did you find you gave it out to the wrong person again?

You can never know how much a person can be trusted with, and I'm sure everyone has at one time or another gave their trust or love to someone that shouldn't have been trusted. I'm sure everyone has trusted someone that has hardened their hearts to others, making trust harder to give out to the next person.. then the next.. and the next.. until you get to the point you SAY you trust someone.. SAY you love someone.. but really.. do you?

How does this relate to intimacy?

Intimacy is trust. High levels of trust.. trust with your feelings towards that person, becoming open to rejection, trusting with your mind heart body and soul.. all of this exposed and put into their care giving them the ability to hurt you on all those levels.

Sure, you can be physical with someone and block them out of your heart and mind.. not let them glimpse into the true nature of your character or into your soul.. you can JUST have sex.. but that's not intimate to me.. and was it JUST sex? One side or the other one of these people always thinks or hopes there was something more there.. no matter what they may say..

I seek someone to fully trust, like a friend.. my best friend.. someone that I trust above all others.. someone that I can connect with first without thinking of the future or 'love' but just forming a relationship with like I would anyone else. That is the start to who I would want to trust with my life. Love. Marriage. Not from a fling that hooks me up with them, but from a friendship that will last a lifetime with or without being together in an intimate way.

Intimacy would then become the next step. This is the trick to a true life partner.

Now Osho has many great gems, and although I'm not a follower of his, nor even believe all he was teaching, I'll pull from another of his books: Being In Love

  If your intimacy is helping you to grow and become mature then it is positive and good and healthy, wholesome.
  Intimacy means that there is no privacy.  You don’t carry anything private now, at least with the person you are intimate with, you drop your privacy.  You are nude and naked--good, bad, whatsoever you are, you open your heart.  And whatever the cost you pay for it; whatever the trouble you go through with it.  That brings growth.
  If you are growing more and becoming an individual, if life is happening more to you, if you are becoming more open, if more beauty is felt in existence, if more poetry is arising in your heart, if more love flows through you, more compassion, if you are becoming more aware, then the relationship is good.  Carry on. Then it is not a marriage.  Then it is intimacy.
  Relating means you are always starting, you are always trying to become acquainted.  Again and again, you are introducing yourself to each other.  You are trying to see the many facets of the other’s personality.  You are trying to penetrate deeper and deeper into his realm of inner feelings, into the deep recesses of her being.  You are trying to unravel a mystery which cannot be unraveled.  That is the joy of love:  the exploration of consciousness.  And if you relate and don’t reduce it to a relationship, then the other will become a mirror to you.  Exploring the other, unawares you will be exploring yourself too.  Getting deeper into the other, knowing his feelings, his thoughts, his deeper stirrings, you will be knowing your own deeper stirrings too.  Lovers become mirrors to each other, and then love becomes a meditation.
  Let your woman be your mirror; let your man be your mirror.  Look into your partner’s eyes and see your face; move into your partner to know yourself. Then one day the mirror will not be needed….then, transcendence happens.
  In fact, the more you know, the more mysterious the other becomes.  Then love is a constant adventure.

Trust.

Love.

I have said before they are interchangeable. However again I have to point out that it is dangerous saying the words to someone of the opposite sex.

I've lost many friends I trusted and loved as a friend.. just by saying, "I love you."

It stirred desires within them, made them want more than friendship.. those that said they could handle it I became intimate with and soon found over and over that when someone says they can have JUST sex.. one side or the other is thinking something different. Lines are crossed that you can't pull them back from, and friendships are lost.. friendships you thought would last your whole life.. trust was broken because they thought your love meant being with them forever, and just them.. no matter what is said one side or the other is not being honest.. it's NEVER 'just sex'

It's because of this that I leave my 20's behind with a few other things as well.

I leave behind ever telling someone of the opposite sex that I love them. This I will save for the person that first becomes my friend.. then my best friend.. and finally the person I trust the most.. this I save for the one that I feel wants more from me, and I find I do as well, and it stirs within us both linking us together.. perhaps after years.. but until then friendship and trust is all that I seek.

Don't ever try and find love, this is where you will always find trouble.

Find friends and people you can trust. You'll soon find your love is right there next to you.

For your friends, the same attitude applies.. as it does for you. If someone is your friend they shouldn't be your friend just for the hope of you loving them one day.. and if you are someone's friend you better not be hoping for more one day. This can only bring hurt and disappointment. Just be free, live your own life separate from others, appreciate those that join you in your journey but don't try and force someone to attach to you.. you can't control anyone but yourself.

I also leave behind ever sleeping with anyone. It brings trouble and friendships are lost. How can you reclaim the trust and lifelong friendship from someone that wanted you and thought they were going to have you? Things never are the same if they DO continue to talk to you, and even worse is when you lose that friend forever.

I leave behind kissing anyone on the lips. Making out. Things I wouldn't do with just a friend. Why confuse the relationship when all you want is friendship? I hope everyone considers the confusion they cause in others when they do these things with those they just want to be their friends.

Be mindful of the messages you are sending to others.

I was close to many in my 20's.. I lost many friends and potential lifelong friends that way.. but as I leave my 20's behind I feel I will leave these things as well, and seek instead to form better friendships and trust with those around me. By doing this I will find my life partner and lover.. it will be simple.. they will be my best friend right beside me. I'll also find those around me I can trust are there just as my friends and nothing else. This is what I hope for.

I'll spend time over many years trying to heal the relationships hurt by this sort of confusion. I only hope others I talk to can be convinced of this:

Risking a lifelong friendship isn't worth a night of passion.

I'll leave you with a final link that grants another excerpt from Oslo's Intimacy:

http://www.osho.be/New-Osho-NL/EnglBooks/Intimacy.htm
"Inside, you think one thing; outside, you express something else."

I challenge you to say what you really want, especially with the people you trust and call your friends.. if you have a lover then I challenge you to be this way even more with them.. for you should trust your lover more than any friend.. they should be your best friend.. the first you want to tell things, the first you want there when you cry.. and the easiest to express exactly what you think on the inside.

If you hide what you truly think from someone, you do not truly trust them.

Without trust, there is no love.

Just a final flow of words from a man in his 20's.

- Patrick Haugen

Let me tell you something about friendship..

It's hard to know who your real friends are.

Throughout life you meet people. Some of those people you get along with and some you do not.. either way they all contribute to your life for better or worse and shape your memories whether you like it or not.

Just don't focus on those that do harm.

Take things as they come, learn from people even if the lesson hurt you, but don't make the same mistakes twice.

Let me tell you something about friendship..

Friendship is a term used loosely, and it seems our modern culture has lost the desire or perhaps ability to discern between friends and mere acquaintances.

From the past near thirty years of being social and active in public, meeting not just a few select groups of people but mingling with dozens of various social groups that don't even mix, I've found many different people enter my life and only a few I can really call my friend.

Most people that I know, and that you know, are mere acquaintances.. but that's FINE.

Trouble usually comes about when you meet someone and introduce them to your 'friends' and inadvertantly point at a few select people in the room the new person then assumes knows everything about you..

That new person then goes around, talks one on one to your 'friends' but really.. some of them were just acquaintances, and don't REALLY know you that well at all.

So here is someone you just met talking to someone that barely knows you and just assumes everything that person is telling them about you is true..

I think you can imagine where troubles may arise. False thoughts about you are shared. Things spread..

Let's take it another route.. true 'friends' aren't those people that just post 'happy birthday' on your Facebook wall once a year.. they're not just people that say hello to you in public, go out in groups with you and laugh at your jokes.. the person that fits that bill could be ANYONE that is social that you have even just met, and could know nothing about who you really are and still fit that place in your life. That's not a friend.. let's bring back the term 'acquaintance' and separate out what makes someone your friend.

Friends don't just talk to you during the good times, but also the bad times. They don't ignore you when times are tough and instead reach out to you even when they sense something is wrong. They care about YOU and it shows.. they want to help you through life and not just use you for something.. that something can be as simple as someone to share a laugh with in groups, have sex with, or to access things you have ability to help them with.. be it car help, computer help, car rides around town, or anything else you can give them or help them with.. you'll know these people because they'll KEEP asking for that thing you can give them over and over.. but bail when you need them for something. I'm sure you can relate.

My advise after decades of experience is to beware people that use you for something under the guise of friendship.

You'll know your true friends because they will be around and there for you needing and wanting nothing in return.. they'll be there for the bad times not just show up for the good times..

Friends don't ignore your texts and phone calls. They don't try to avoid you when they know you're going through tough times. They don't smile at you then talk behind your back. Friends are hard to come by, those that really care, want to see the best for you, and aren't using you for anything at all.

Sometimes it takes a rainy day to see who comes to help dry you off, and until then it's hard to tell.

Friendship is rare.

Well that was fast..

September was one of the worst months I've gone through in my life.. October was even WORSE as it turns out, and I don't even know how I made it while maintaining any shred of myself intact having to make my public persona smile with every ounce of willpower in me.

That sort of constant draining of energy trying to act like nothing is wrong while holding pain inside really breaks down things that make you who you are.. fun.. happy.. charismatic..

November was supposed to be different. This was supposed to be MY month.. the end of one decade and the start of another.. pretty big landmark in one's life.

This was the month I was waiting to clear the slate, make everything right, to feel great each and every day during these last few days of my 20's and ready to enter my 30's with the energy and spirit to further take on the world for the next 10..

That's what I thought at least.. and I made it ALMOST a full day until it all came down again. Two months of suffering and I honestly believed it was leading to some sort of light at the end of the tunnel..

Things started good as I got a new iPhone4S 64GB and found iCloud from iOS5 was able to backup my old iPhone4 32GB instantly in the Apple Store and restore down to the new phone in minutes.. everything exactly as it was on the old one with all settings and apps perfectly in sync. Pretty slick.. playing with the camera that bests point and shoots was nice, playing with Siri.. all good! Then on top of that I found my old phone sells for $400 on ebay and so the 'upgrade' payed for itself. Not bad :D

Then I had a nightmare leading into November 1st.. I dreamed I was living life and no one was fighting for me, my friends didn't turn out to be friends at all, just casual acquaintances who really didn't want to help or hear about my troubles, and girls I met would like me, say they love me, then when I turned away for a second they were with someone else, even with people I called my 'friends' and these girls never even fought for me at all..

I awoke and realized that this wasn't just a dream, but the worst parts of my recent life still haunting me.

Unresolved pain from the past, betrayal, lies, hypocrisy, losing friends, constant heartache, being replaced..

I went into November 1st trying to shake off my nightmare and my past pain it pulled from.. nothing mattered and I was going to LOVE every day of this month no matter what.. then I saw two great movies Puss in Boots and In Time.. wonderful films and I took my mom as I used to do every Tuesday at Regal for $6.. haven't seen her in a while so I was feeling good!

Then it hit.. the EXACT same things from the past again, unresolved issues far out of my control. Nothing was right again.. and well..

That was fast.

We'll see how November 2nd goes.. but I'm going to focus on a few things..

First, I'm going to make a post a day for 30 days detailing things I've learned these past 30 years on Earth, sharing my thoughts and wisdom to others hopefully guiding anyone that reads from making mistakes I've now come to find easy to avoid in life, and steering them towards better things.

Second, I'll be blowing off some emotion via workouts I'll post on Facebook that anyone can follow along with, but since I've had a few people ask me how to get in shape the last few months.. I think making a November workout public and pointing them to it as well as sharing it with others can help the most people possible.

So.. enjoy my next 29 posts and take what you can.. those on Facebook look for my workouts every day and I challenge you to follow along..

Hopefully from my pain you can make your own life better.

FML