I can't compete with the love of their life.
I won't compete.
I've been in relationships where they had a past crush or love that never was fully realized or that they have held a torch for. It's not fair.
I've been told about past flames and when I asked a bit more I've been told things like they live too far away now, they're in a relationship, etc.
What that REALLY means is that if the person moved close or broke up with whoever they were with and expressed interest then I'd be left. Straight up. Black and white facts here.
If the love of their life dumped who they were with and then came back, I'd be the one left in the dust.
What's with past flames? I hate it. When I hear the phrase 'the love of my life' from someone I'm with and they're not talking about me (they never are) then I start to connect the dots. I grow weary.
It could be a rough time in our relationship the 'love' comes around, then I hear about it after a one night stand, or perhaps I catch a phone call where they are planning it. Happened a few times to me and really perhaps I'm just cursed when it comes to relationships.
Look everyone, if someone broke up with you then why still think about them? They left and things won't work out. Don't ever get back together with someone that leaves you. It will happen again and again and again..
Perhaps it was great sex so it's something that's forever desired and becomes a constant cheat when they call you at 3am and the person you're in a relationship in is out of town..
The solution is to let it all go.
Forget about the past, I mean why when you say to your significant other 'I love you' can you be truly honest if you're holding onto others in your heart or the true desire for 'the love of your life' who is clearly NOT this person in front of you?
Be true to yourself and never let your definition of love weaken. When you say 'I love you' then you better mean it with all your heart and not have someone in your heart you're holding onto stronger..
It's not fair to the person you're with. End the relationship if this is the case, go talk to 'the love of your life' and quickly realize things won't work with them, get over it, and stop carrying emotional baggage that can harm all your future relationships. Perhaps things do work out.. either way you're happier.
Some people are able to stay virgins until the day of marriage. Never had an outside desire for another sexually but guess what? I've met girls like that whom still had 'the love of their lives' out there.. a relationship from the past that they still think about. Virginity doesn't exclude them.
You have to get over these people from your past to be able to fully love someone you're in a relationship with.
I'm not heartless.. when I'm with someone and get to the point I actually say I love them.. I mean it. From then on I always will love them and they'll always have a piece of my heart.
What scares me is that I'm running out of heart to give.
One thing's for sure.. I make sure to try and wipe out all feelings of wanting those people anymore before getting into another relationship. It's only fair.. and I've learned a lot but I know this is the best way.
Why can't I be the love of someone's life? How about that? No, it's always a relationship where they talk about someone else as the 'one' or 'love of my life' or 'the one that got away.'
I hate it. I want to be that one. I'm sure that would make the perfect relationship.. we're both each others soul mates.. the love of each others lives.
I'd like that.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Reflection on Musicals
Yesterday wrapped up the Runaway Stage Productions (RSP) Cinderella musical.
Whenever a performance I'm in ends, I look back and see what I've learned, see if it was worth the time invested for the payout (cash, skill, or enjoyment) received. Reflection like this is beneficial after you've done almost anything in your life. It even works for relationships.
As my friend Jeannie would say, "Is it worth it?" Ask yourself that.
For example, you can ask yourself: Was skydiving your first time worth your money? Scuba diving? Going to Disneyland? Reflection after the event leads to your future participation in life.
It was with RSP's Cinderella that I realized I'm not doing ensemble at a community theatre again. Perhaps ever.
When you're inexperienced with the stage, ensemble is a great opportunity. You get a taste of the rehearsal process, what costumes are like, stage makeup, and what it feels like to perform in front of hundreds. For me, I'm well beyond that point. My first stage shows were early in life before I had the chance to know what 'stage freight' even was, and so it was all pretty simple from there. Except singing, but that's a story for another time.
In Cinderella I met a great guy in this cast and Randy had never danced before, not even at his wedding! He hadn't done stage in a long time, and was learning and growing a lot with RSP and in the ensemble. His dance choreography was the same as mine so it was pushing his limits, I helped out a lot, and it was a great experience for him.
However unfortunate for me, my dance choreography was the same as my new friend Randy's. What pushes and helps one to grow can actually just bore another.
For Cinderella, I looked at my growth in a few ways.
Dance: No growth, nothing pushing my limits.
Music: No solo lines, simple baritone harmonies chosen, no mic, very simple music with few lyrics.. no growth.
Acting: Being a puppeteer but with complete freedom, this acting was just me playing around and doing it my way the whole time. Complete freedom led me to not grow in acting, and it was a completely silent show for me with no lines.
Looking back, I would have grown more if I spent the time with a ballet company and did some of my own choreography and pushed my dancing a little. Or perhaps I joined up with a puppet play for kids with lots of lines and expanded my acting a little. Or just had been taking private vocal lessons this whole time.
It boils down to a lack of growth.
Sadly there wasn't much for me with Cinderella and like all shows at RSP, I was asked to come do the audition for this show so my heart wasn't ever in it to start with. Two months is a lot when you're growing. Two months is asking far too much when you're not growing at all.
Really whenever a guy is asked to join a musical/ballet even if their heart is not in it and they do it to 'help' they sure get mixed up with the people who are there because it's what they actually want to do and people quickly forget about the guy in ensemble who is there just because they needed some men.
I've been in many productions (not at RSP, they're actually quite good) where I was brought in because a guy was needed and then a week later being treated poorly because 'it is a privilege to be in this performance' mindset hits. Sad but true, male dancers are needed in ballet and musicals but rarely treated with the mindset of 'oh this guy is here just to help out and doesn't really want to be here.'
Being the Dove in this show actually saved my sanity. It was fun making things up every night with a puppet in hand to see what worked best, and Chris Cook's puppet was top quality.
End result however is that I am done with ensemble. I need something to grow in to make it worth my time.
CURTAINS
People have asked about my involvement with RSP's next musical, Curtains.
I was asked to come audition at Curtains, so again my heart wasn't there to start, and I gave little effort in order to make room for anyone that was auditioning that actually wanted a part.
One difference with Curtains is that I filled out the 'role auditioning for' portion of my audition card for the first time ever in my life. I filled it out asking for a part with many lines so I could actually act and then checked the box for 'will not accept any other role.'
I was offered a part, and what confused me was it was the role of 'ensemble' which was exactly what I didn't want to have (as outlined above in my experience with RSP's Cinderella).
Regardless, I went to check it out. Fun music, simple choreography yet very aerobic and exciting, really not bad. I was still waiting for clarification on my role due to the fact I was under the naive assumption my request I put on my audition card was being respected. The people were fun, the choreography and music was fun, I didn't know what I was doing there but soon started to care less thinking perhaps I was brought in as 'ensemble' because they needed a good male dancer (some of the people in the show weren't really dancers).
This assumption (and again proof we should NEVER assume) was shattered when a new person was brought in and in one night shown some choreography I'd been doing for a couple weeks and then given parts in dances I was doing.. INTERESTING I thought to myself and brought up my audition card issue to be given back a 'role' with three lines. Almost felt like a slap to the face.
Cinderella introduced me to a few new friends, however sadly I could have spent the two months in various dance communities making friends I wouldn't part with after our last bow and would know and dance with for a long time.
If there is a lesson to be learned from my experience, it is to only seek opportunities that lead you to personal growth in an area, and to never assume.
Oh and also when someone asks you to go audition for something, politely decline. If you wanted to audition, you'd have gotten involved before someone asked. Walking into a show to 'help' only leads to bitterness. Also respect and thank the men that you bring into a ballet or musical.. when I was never thanked for joining a show to help out, it was quite lame.
Whenever a performance I'm in ends, I look back and see what I've learned, see if it was worth the time invested for the payout (cash, skill, or enjoyment) received. Reflection like this is beneficial after you've done almost anything in your life. It even works for relationships.
As my friend Jeannie would say, "Is it worth it?" Ask yourself that.
For example, you can ask yourself: Was skydiving your first time worth your money? Scuba diving? Going to Disneyland? Reflection after the event leads to your future participation in life.
It was with RSP's Cinderella that I realized I'm not doing ensemble at a community theatre again. Perhaps ever.
When you're inexperienced with the stage, ensemble is a great opportunity. You get a taste of the rehearsal process, what costumes are like, stage makeup, and what it feels like to perform in front of hundreds. For me, I'm well beyond that point. My first stage shows were early in life before I had the chance to know what 'stage freight' even was, and so it was all pretty simple from there. Except singing, but that's a story for another time.
In Cinderella I met a great guy in this cast and Randy had never danced before, not even at his wedding! He hadn't done stage in a long time, and was learning and growing a lot with RSP and in the ensemble. His dance choreography was the same as mine so it was pushing his limits, I helped out a lot, and it was a great experience for him.
However unfortunate for me, my dance choreography was the same as my new friend Randy's. What pushes and helps one to grow can actually just bore another.
For Cinderella, I looked at my growth in a few ways.
Dance: No growth, nothing pushing my limits.
Music: No solo lines, simple baritone harmonies chosen, no mic, very simple music with few lyrics.. no growth.
Acting: Being a puppeteer but with complete freedom, this acting was just me playing around and doing it my way the whole time. Complete freedom led me to not grow in acting, and it was a completely silent show for me with no lines.
Looking back, I would have grown more if I spent the time with a ballet company and did some of my own choreography and pushed my dancing a little. Or perhaps I joined up with a puppet play for kids with lots of lines and expanded my acting a little. Or just had been taking private vocal lessons this whole time.
It boils down to a lack of growth.
Sadly there wasn't much for me with Cinderella and like all shows at RSP, I was asked to come do the audition for this show so my heart wasn't ever in it to start with. Two months is a lot when you're growing. Two months is asking far too much when you're not growing at all.
Really whenever a guy is asked to join a musical/ballet even if their heart is not in it and they do it to 'help' they sure get mixed up with the people who are there because it's what they actually want to do and people quickly forget about the guy in ensemble who is there just because they needed some men.
I've been in many productions (not at RSP, they're actually quite good) where I was brought in because a guy was needed and then a week later being treated poorly because 'it is a privilege to be in this performance' mindset hits. Sad but true, male dancers are needed in ballet and musicals but rarely treated with the mindset of 'oh this guy is here just to help out and doesn't really want to be here.'
Being the Dove in this show actually saved my sanity. It was fun making things up every night with a puppet in hand to see what worked best, and Chris Cook's puppet was top quality.
End result however is that I am done with ensemble. I need something to grow in to make it worth my time.
CURTAINS
People have asked about my involvement with RSP's next musical, Curtains.
I was asked to come audition at Curtains, so again my heart wasn't there to start, and I gave little effort in order to make room for anyone that was auditioning that actually wanted a part.
One difference with Curtains is that I filled out the 'role auditioning for' portion of my audition card for the first time ever in my life. I filled it out asking for a part with many lines so I could actually act and then checked the box for 'will not accept any other role.'
I was offered a part, and what confused me was it was the role of 'ensemble' which was exactly what I didn't want to have (as outlined above in my experience with RSP's Cinderella).
Regardless, I went to check it out. Fun music, simple choreography yet very aerobic and exciting, really not bad. I was still waiting for clarification on my role due to the fact I was under the naive assumption my request I put on my audition card was being respected. The people were fun, the choreography and music was fun, I didn't know what I was doing there but soon started to care less thinking perhaps I was brought in as 'ensemble' because they needed a good male dancer (some of the people in the show weren't really dancers).
This assumption (and again proof we should NEVER assume) was shattered when a new person was brought in and in one night shown some choreography I'd been doing for a couple weeks and then given parts in dances I was doing.. INTERESTING I thought to myself and brought up my audition card issue to be given back a 'role' with three lines. Almost felt like a slap to the face.
Cinderella introduced me to a few new friends, however sadly I could have spent the two months in various dance communities making friends I wouldn't part with after our last bow and would know and dance with for a long time.
If there is a lesson to be learned from my experience, it is to only seek opportunities that lead you to personal growth in an area, and to never assume.
Oh and also when someone asks you to go audition for something, politely decline. If you wanted to audition, you'd have gotten involved before someone asked. Walking into a show to 'help' only leads to bitterness. Also respect and thank the men that you bring into a ballet or musical.. when I was never thanked for joining a show to help out, it was quite lame.
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Gaming on the Mac
10 years ago I laughed at the Mac.
Back then it was all about Windows gaming, consoles were weak in comparison, and Mac had nothing.
Now? StarCraft 2 beta on Mac and Steam coming on May 6th makes it hardly laughable.
Mac is greater than the PC, and has been for a while.
Hardware components are hand-picked and drivers in the OS only need to support a handful of Apple-specific devices. That's the true power.
Combined with a Unix backend starting with OSX, XCode for every language (PHP HTML CSS even), and Adobe CS5 native Cocoa 64-bit, gaming was the last piece of the puzzle.
Mac wins. May 6th.
Heck, even Windows is better on a Mac (Parallels, VMware Fusion, Boot Camp).
Back then it was all about Windows gaming, consoles were weak in comparison, and Mac had nothing.
Now? StarCraft 2 beta on Mac and Steam coming on May 6th makes it hardly laughable.
Mac is greater than the PC, and has been for a while.
Hardware components are hand-picked and drivers in the OS only need to support a handful of Apple-specific devices. That's the true power.
Combined with a Unix backend starting with OSX, XCode for every language (PHP HTML CSS even), and Adobe CS5 native Cocoa 64-bit, gaming was the last piece of the puzzle.
Mac wins. May 6th.
Heck, even Windows is better on a Mac (Parallels, VMware Fusion, Boot Camp).
Realizations
I suddenly realized tonight - after completing a weekly website update 11p-12:30a then going out into the streets of downtown Sacramento to get some food and exercise - that most of what I talk to people about is often repeated.
Many times I'll have researched a new widget in a vast machine of knowledge that combines with my previous experience and write up notes for myself that I share with someone.. then another.. then another..
Blogs are SO much better. Sharing, linking to my previous thoughts, etc.
I've also realized tonight after seeing drunken girls in heels faceplant (2) get into fights (3) and walk around drunken and barefoot (countless) that I have no hope in finding a nice girl to call my own. Seeing girls all over downtown stumble around drunk and making out with random dudes, get in their cars and drive home with them just makes me fear for my HEALTH.
Back to the original point, more blogs to follow, and the ease of it comes from my final point which is the iPad.
I find I never use my laptop for portability. Trade shows, meetings in my building's lobby, going out to do work at lunch, sitting in the car, nothing beats a 3G iPad with its 10-hour battery.
Laptops are the new desktops. iPads are the new laptops. You can't walk and compute with a laptop.
Many times I'll have researched a new widget in a vast machine of knowledge that combines with my previous experience and write up notes for myself that I share with someone.. then another.. then another..
Blogs are SO much better. Sharing, linking to my previous thoughts, etc.
I've also realized tonight after seeing drunken girls in heels faceplant (2) get into fights (3) and walk around drunken and barefoot (countless) that I have no hope in finding a nice girl to call my own. Seeing girls all over downtown stumble around drunk and making out with random dudes, get in their cars and drive home with them just makes me fear for my HEALTH.
Back to the original point, more blogs to follow, and the ease of it comes from my final point which is the iPad.
I find I never use my laptop for portability. Trade shows, meetings in my building's lobby, going out to do work at lunch, sitting in the car, nothing beats a 3G iPad with its 10-hour battery.
Laptops are the new desktops. iPads are the new laptops. You can't walk and compute with a laptop.
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