On Intimacy: The last words of a man in his 20's

I had been wanting to write something every day for 30 days leading up to my birthday, but I found the writer in me couldn't help but to edit and revise and not free flow and just spill what's on my mind.. thus.. I think I published only.. twice..

However what's on my mind recently has been intimacy, and today I saw my friend Mihai post something from Osho in Intimacy and felt I needed to write out in a free flow process without editing my final thoughts of this decade on just this topic: Intimacy.

  If trust is asked, you are being enslaved. But if a trust arises in you, something superhuman is growing within your heart. The difference is very small but one of tremendous importance: asked or ordered, love and trust both become false. When they arise on their own, they have immense intrinsic value. They do not make you a slave, they make you a master of yourself because it is your love, it is your trust. You are following your own heart.

I think about these things all the time.. and I don't think I'm alone when I desire trust or love so much that I make the mistake of asking for it at times.

"Trust me."

"Do you love me?"

It's so hard desiring such a trait in those you keep close, but knowing you'll never be able to know what they're actually feeling towards you.

Trust and love are almost interchangeable. How can you have love without trust? How could you have trust without love? You can love another as a friend, but I'd warn against saying 'love' to the opposite sex, as trouble can arise.. it's better to keep your friends just your friends, and to also not water down the word nor give a false hope to those that may feel 'love' as lust towards you. Love and trust, as one and the same, I'm saying is the love of a friend.

That said, love and trust is something that grows over time. You can trust someone to know your phone number, even someone you just met.. later you may trust them enough to be alone with them in public places or perhaps pick you up from the airport.. later you may trust them to be alone with you in private places such as your house or theirs.. then you start telling them your secrets.. secrets about yourself or perhaps even others.

Ah.. and that is where you start to get in trouble.. trust.. love.. did you find you gave it out to the wrong person again?

You can never know how much a person can be trusted with, and I'm sure everyone has at one time or another gave their trust or love to someone that shouldn't have been trusted. I'm sure everyone has trusted someone that has hardened their hearts to others, making trust harder to give out to the next person.. then the next.. and the next.. until you get to the point you SAY you trust someone.. SAY you love someone.. but really.. do you?

How does this relate to intimacy?

Intimacy is trust. High levels of trust.. trust with your feelings towards that person, becoming open to rejection, trusting with your mind heart body and soul.. all of this exposed and put into their care giving them the ability to hurt you on all those levels.

Sure, you can be physical with someone and block them out of your heart and mind.. not let them glimpse into the true nature of your character or into your soul.. you can JUST have sex.. but that's not intimate to me.. and was it JUST sex? One side or the other one of these people always thinks or hopes there was something more there.. no matter what they may say..

I seek someone to fully trust, like a friend.. my best friend.. someone that I trust above all others.. someone that I can connect with first without thinking of the future or 'love' but just forming a relationship with like I would anyone else. That is the start to who I would want to trust with my life. Love. Marriage. Not from a fling that hooks me up with them, but from a friendship that will last a lifetime with or without being together in an intimate way.

Intimacy would then become the next step. This is the trick to a true life partner.

Now Osho has many great gems, and although I'm not a follower of his, nor even believe all he was teaching, I'll pull from another of his books: Being In Love

  If your intimacy is helping you to grow and become mature then it is positive and good and healthy, wholesome.
  Intimacy means that there is no privacy.  You don’t carry anything private now, at least with the person you are intimate with, you drop your privacy.  You are nude and naked--good, bad, whatsoever you are, you open your heart.  And whatever the cost you pay for it; whatever the trouble you go through with it.  That brings growth.
  If you are growing more and becoming an individual, if life is happening more to you, if you are becoming more open, if more beauty is felt in existence, if more poetry is arising in your heart, if more love flows through you, more compassion, if you are becoming more aware, then the relationship is good.  Carry on. Then it is not a marriage.  Then it is intimacy.
  Relating means you are always starting, you are always trying to become acquainted.  Again and again, you are introducing yourself to each other.  You are trying to see the many facets of the other’s personality.  You are trying to penetrate deeper and deeper into his realm of inner feelings, into the deep recesses of her being.  You are trying to unravel a mystery which cannot be unraveled.  That is the joy of love:  the exploration of consciousness.  And if you relate and don’t reduce it to a relationship, then the other will become a mirror to you.  Exploring the other, unawares you will be exploring yourself too.  Getting deeper into the other, knowing his feelings, his thoughts, his deeper stirrings, you will be knowing your own deeper stirrings too.  Lovers become mirrors to each other, and then love becomes a meditation.
  Let your woman be your mirror; let your man be your mirror.  Look into your partner’s eyes and see your face; move into your partner to know yourself. Then one day the mirror will not be needed….then, transcendence happens.
  In fact, the more you know, the more mysterious the other becomes.  Then love is a constant adventure.

Trust.

Love.

I have said before they are interchangeable. However again I have to point out that it is dangerous saying the words to someone of the opposite sex.

I've lost many friends I trusted and loved as a friend.. just by saying, "I love you."

It stirred desires within them, made them want more than friendship.. those that said they could handle it I became intimate with and soon found over and over that when someone says they can have JUST sex.. one side or the other is thinking something different. Lines are crossed that you can't pull them back from, and friendships are lost.. friendships you thought would last your whole life.. trust was broken because they thought your love meant being with them forever, and just them.. no matter what is said one side or the other is not being honest.. it's NEVER 'just sex'

It's because of this that I leave my 20's behind with a few other things as well.

I leave behind ever telling someone of the opposite sex that I love them. This I will save for the person that first becomes my friend.. then my best friend.. and finally the person I trust the most.. this I save for the one that I feel wants more from me, and I find I do as well, and it stirs within us both linking us together.. perhaps after years.. but until then friendship and trust is all that I seek.

Don't ever try and find love, this is where you will always find trouble.

Find friends and people you can trust. You'll soon find your love is right there next to you.

For your friends, the same attitude applies.. as it does for you. If someone is your friend they shouldn't be your friend just for the hope of you loving them one day.. and if you are someone's friend you better not be hoping for more one day. This can only bring hurt and disappointment. Just be free, live your own life separate from others, appreciate those that join you in your journey but don't try and force someone to attach to you.. you can't control anyone but yourself.

I also leave behind ever sleeping with anyone. It brings trouble and friendships are lost. How can you reclaim the trust and lifelong friendship from someone that wanted you and thought they were going to have you? Things never are the same if they DO continue to talk to you, and even worse is when you lose that friend forever.

I leave behind kissing anyone on the lips. Making out. Things I wouldn't do with just a friend. Why confuse the relationship when all you want is friendship? I hope everyone considers the confusion they cause in others when they do these things with those they just want to be their friends.

Be mindful of the messages you are sending to others.

I was close to many in my 20's.. I lost many friends and potential lifelong friends that way.. but as I leave my 20's behind I feel I will leave these things as well, and seek instead to form better friendships and trust with those around me. By doing this I will find my life partner and lover.. it will be simple.. they will be my best friend right beside me. I'll also find those around me I can trust are there just as my friends and nothing else. This is what I hope for.

I'll spend time over many years trying to heal the relationships hurt by this sort of confusion. I only hope others I talk to can be convinced of this:

Risking a lifelong friendship isn't worth a night of passion.

I'll leave you with a final link that grants another excerpt from Oslo's Intimacy:

http://www.osho.be/New-Osho-NL/EnglBooks/Intimacy.htm
"Inside, you think one thing; outside, you express something else."

I challenge you to say what you really want, especially with the people you trust and call your friends.. if you have a lover then I challenge you to be this way even more with them.. for you should trust your lover more than any friend.. they should be your best friend.. the first you want to tell things, the first you want there when you cry.. and the easiest to express exactly what you think on the inside.

If you hide what you truly think from someone, you do not truly trust them.

Without trust, there is no love.

Just a final flow of words from a man in his 20's.

- Patrick Haugen

Valentines Day Breakup

I hate spending Valentines Day alone.

It's a symbol, much like the day is a symbol of love, being alone on this day is a symbol of being unloved.

I thought the feeling of being alone on this day was the worst you could experience. 24 straight hours of reflection on why exactly you're spending it alone makes for some serious heartache.

There is worse out there... like someone breaking up with you on Valentines Day. Do the seven stages of grief apply to breaking up? I've felt myself shifting through more moods then a moose! Okay so I made up a comparison there that makes no sense, but I blame my situation and I deal with everything I hate using humor.

I was in love, still am in love which is worse then that, but have the respect to honor their decision and I'm not going to be selfish and try to pull them back or try to thrust myself into someone's life that wants to be rid of me. Plus that's embarrassing for both of us.

They made promises, said they'd love till the end, plans for the future and a hint at something big on March 15th, so many promises! I can't even think of it all right now, perhaps I'm wrong for trying to think about this while it's so new, but I've tried to commit to them before and the next day they wanted to end it after flirting with someone else at a party.

Was I stupid? I asked them full out again on Monday spending the morning finding flowers, clipping them down and forming a small cute 'grip' going to school, waiting till class started to come in, stop things and in front of everyone ask them to be with me.

Later, they said they could have never said no to something so sweet, and if they did they'd have embarrassed themselves. So if everything happens for a reason is the only reason I get out of this to never ask someone to be with me in public because they'll say 'yes' even if in their heart it is a 'no' to save on embarrassing themselves?!

I don't know why I went through commitment to have breakup so soon after ON VALENTINES DAY but with what happened before I should have expected it.

They had problems with their family concerning being with me since they live at home. They hinted at moving out, moving in with me, running away to Reno, getting married, but all just talk I guess it was. Crazy talk perhaps. Perhaps I'm going to be better now?

I don't really enter into commitments, so this was a huge step for me. Seriously. Perhaps the lesson is I need to do it more? Commit more? Well I did and it got me three days and a Valentines Day breakup.

That's cool, I feel good about writing this, I realize my mistakes now and I should have gotten the hints the first time around.

Learn from my mistakes:
1. If someone leaves you only to come back, DON'T TAKE THEM BACK.
2. Don't ask someone to commit to you in public, THEY WILL SAY 'YES' JUST TO SAVE ON EMBARRASSMENT.

So. I'm actually taking some deep breaths here, that helps... hey, if you ever get left on valentines day DO THAT... yeah... deep breath.

Okay I'm back to the 'anger' so I'll end this here.